he thought i was a dude.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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