I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
