sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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