LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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