so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
