After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
