when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
