A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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