She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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