moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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