Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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