I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you mean i was at the winter classic?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
