Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Randomize
