I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
