so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
