mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
