how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
