She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
