Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
