the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
