Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We got so high we made milksteak
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
