I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
