i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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