Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
