so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Less talking, more tequila
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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