i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
