I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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