Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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