Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
