i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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