I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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