he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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