You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
