She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
