youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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