A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
