By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
