i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
