never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
