ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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