its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
