I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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