And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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