I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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