I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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