i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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