I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
