my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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