i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
