so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
